Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.