Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
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ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
serving silly goose instead of turkey
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
Mad Max: Furry Road
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
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My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭