Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

THIS HEADLINE

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

*walks into a room full of people*

*looks around*

*answers fake phone call*

*leaves*

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down