Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
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Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
listen closely
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Always leave them wanting their money back.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
My wife gives the best headache.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels