Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.