Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?

me: i gotta fight you for them?

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

I’m Sold!

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

you know what ruined my childhood? children

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.