me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
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Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Bless you
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me driving through Toronto
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song