Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
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Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
definitely did not do anything wrong
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.