Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
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Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.