Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
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I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.