Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
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I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.