Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

Put a ring on it

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.