Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Whoa 😂
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!