Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

Introverted vegans go meetless

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha