Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
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If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
What personal space?
My dog
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.