Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you