ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
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GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Denise please return my vape pen
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME