ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
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wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
You’ll be OK
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later