ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
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These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?