Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

Howl 😭

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

You learn something every day

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

ㅤ

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.