Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.