Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

Not all heroes wear capes…

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

Match dot com, but for socks.

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?