Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

nature’s most graceful animal

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

My sex drive has a dui

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.