Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys which shade of gery should I get

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

<enter password>

me

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meonstilts

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meandbatmanonstilts

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU