me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
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Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”