Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

Don’t forget to tip your server

Lucky old June.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

incredible book dedication

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…