Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
![]()
You Might Also Like
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
![]()
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
![]()
![]()
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.