Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
