[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
You Might Also Like
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I occasionally drink every single night.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.