[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
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Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…