*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
there are two kinds of people:
those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical bandand they marry each other
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
