Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.