*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
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[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Donkey Kong sommelier
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
one last job
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”