Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
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A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
la cocaina
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.