Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
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I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
awkward
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Breakfast for Stoners:
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house