Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
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All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
WTF IS THAT!
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.