Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
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One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Cause of death: Zumba
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.