Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
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A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom