Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

What even happened today?

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral