Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
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This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Mood.. 😂
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked