Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

finally found a reasonable question

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are