Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

You’re the water to my grease fire.

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

Grew big

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

A big dipper? in this astronomy?