Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

No, he would not have.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers