Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Accurate

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”