Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
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If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics