me in a relationship:
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Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
getting groceries
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Breaking news:
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Cinematography is my passion
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.