me in a relationship:
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me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.