me in a relationship:
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I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
🇺🇸🤭
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
necessity is the mother of invention
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
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*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”