[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
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CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My life in a nutshell
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
where the womens at?
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
