Wife: Wait here.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.
*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
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Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him: Which half?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
fidget spinners are whack, when I was in 8th grade we’d shove a spoonful of cinnamon down our throats and try to survive for fun
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.