[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
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This was the best day of my life
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Just me and my debit card against the world
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.