Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

consequences, the bane of my existence

🇺🇸🤭

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

is nasa ok

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED