Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?