[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
😲 WTF? 😆
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
My sex drive has a dui
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
