Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

I just ran a .003048K

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

going to bed

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2