me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
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My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Tastes like chicken.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb