Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales