Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.