Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
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Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.