*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
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at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
happy friday