Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women

Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?