Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.