Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

A huge thanks to the person that did this

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”