ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
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I like to think that when Homer Simpson suffers from erectile dysfunction, he chokes his wiener and yells “Why you little!!!!!”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
If you don’t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you’re probably the boss
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*