ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
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I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out