@SteveSuckington

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

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@RobertManchild

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

@NurseSeymour

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

@BlondAmbitionTO

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

@iamspacegirl

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

@Quartzjixler

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

@KyleMcDowell86

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

@SondraDeeMe

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.