Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg