Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.