Me, in DM rooms…
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X-tra spooky blend
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?