Me, in DM rooms…
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If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.