Me, in DM rooms…
You Might Also Like
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago