Me, in DM rooms…
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I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.