Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”