Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

I have so many questions.

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.